Something about springtime makes everyone want to clean.
It could be the sun, maybe it’s the fact that everything outside suddenly looks alive again or maybe after months of cold afternoons, you just get tired of looking at the same things. Every spring, there’s always something to clean out: the closet you’ve been ignoring, the drawer full of things you forgot you owned, the clothes you swear you’re going to wear again even though you haven’t touched them in two years. I think people need spring cleaning, too. In a figurative sense, of course. The kind where you look yourself in the present and realize there are things you’ve been carrying around with you for longer than you needed to. I used to hold onto things because I thought letting go meant I didn't care. I was definitely a hoarder, never seeing any reason to get rid of something because I always had the thought, “just in case.”
But eventually, some of those things just started to feel silly, not because they don’t matter, but because of change. There are relationships I used to wish I could go back to that I wouldn't really want back now. There are things I thought were huge that I can barely remember why I was so upset about. I think that's one of the nicer parts of growing older. You don't always get an explanation, just distance. I've also had to clean out some beliefs I had. For a long time, I thought I had to be a certain kind of person to be worth being around. Graceful, poised, put-together are things I thought everyone had to be, but didn’t come so easy for me. Someone who wasn’t bothered over little things or get overly excited or say something embarrassing and then think about it for the next three days. Unfortunately, I am not that person. I think I care about things a lot and sometimes it’s a little ridiculous. I've spent enough time trying to make those things less obvious that I'm starting to wonder why I ever wanted to. The people I've met recently have made that easier to understand. There is something really nice about being around people who don't make you feel like you're constantly being “too much.” You can be quiet. You can be talkative. You can be emotional. You can say something stupid. You can be completely yourself and feel worth spending time with. I’ve never been able to experience friendships that make you feel excited to be with people. Some people fit, if that makes sense. And some don't. Sometimes you spend a long time trying to make something work because you remember how much you once loved it before. But eventually, you need to admit when it doesn't belong anymore.
Maybe that's why spring feels so hopeful to me. Everything is coming back, but nothing is exactly the same as it was before. The flowers come back differently, there’s tulips growing in my garden. The trees look different, they’re getting their leaves back. I look different, I got bangs. My room is different, I put posters up. Maybe that's what spring cleaning really is. Not getting rid of everything, just deciding what you still want to carry with you. The closet has to be emptied eventually and sooner or later, you’ll run out of space. So I think this year, I took spring cleaning a little more seriously. And I think I'm pretty happy with what I've kept.
